The World Ass Jark Meat Plan
Sat, 02/20/2010 — Rev. Ragu
Recently, my attention was drawn to a report that someone had spent $13,100 on an NES with three games. Rather than the asinine observation “DURR, MAYBE I CAN SELL MY NINTENDO ALONG WITH T&C SURF DESIGNS AND NARC AND FINALLY PUT MYSELF THROUGH COLLEGE AND CEASE TO BE AN EMBARASSMENT TO MYSELF AND MY FAMILY,” I was filled with bitterness and venom, for the game that put it over the top was a boxed copy of the apparently ultra-rare Stadium Events.
Stadium Events? What the hell? That is the game that Nintendo pulled off the market and hastily rebranded as World Class Track Meet, after they filed off the name from Bandai's Family Fun Fitness pad and stuck their own Power Pad label on it. So that's it: Someone paid thirteen grand for fucking World Class Track Meet, or that game where God Mode was basically “hit the stupid pad with your hands instead of your feet.” It's the rarest NES game out there, yes, but it's also a huge piece of worthless dogshit that has never brought a moment of joy to anyone in its entire existence, any historical significance it has has already been meticulously documented, it was rereleased in a form in which you can acquire it for fifty cents at a pawn shop, there's a ROM image out there ensuring that the apathy and nagging ennui of playing Stadium Events will persist forevermore, and its only value is in its scarcity. The only happiness and personal fulfillment this $13,100 copy of argh fuck and piss World Class Track Meet will bring its owner will be a momentary glimmer of something resembling emotion as he sees his collection complete, a single sparking of perhaps not joy, but at least something, in this sad fucker's life.
Where the hell does a person get that kind of dough to spend on fuck ass piss piss fucking World Class Track Meet and actually have the intelligence, discernment and basic fucking human competence to hold a job that would allow a person to accrue that much money, just to piss it into the wind over a terrible Nintendo Game? Is it some kind of inheritance, or did this guy win the lottery, or is he putting himself into an intractable pit of sheer credit card debt? Far be it for me to tell someone how to best spend their money, yet $13,100 for World Class Track Meet seems crass, even offensive. Spend it on your education, or put it away for retirement, or maybe even give it to charity – Hey, I heard that there are people going through some pretty rough times in Haiti right now, and there are organizations that could perhaps think of better ways to spend that money than on a pathologically unplayable video game! If you're really intent on shitting it away, you could use stacks of hundred dollar bills as toilet paper; that would be a more productive use of that money than purchasing Stadium Pisshole Toilet Fuckdog Events. Or just burn it as some kind of indecipherable KLF-esque statement. Or better yet, donate it to the “Buy The Andore Seven Thousands of Dollars of Liquor And Then Use The Remaining Money to Pump Their Stomachs or Treat Their Inevitable Collective Liver Failure” fund, because fuck you we can find better things to do with thirteen grand.
Then it dawned on me how to make Stadium Events worth something; a way to make it a source of mirth rather than a gray plastic tombstone to the death of fun. Now, this will require some reader participation, but if all goes well, this will be probably the very first incidence of something enjoyable happening in the entire history of video game collecting. Hear me out. Inspired by greats such as Bryan and that one dude who puts Wilford Brimley in all the games, I took the traditional tools of my forefathers (a copy of Nesticle from 1998) and crafted a ROM hack worthy of the ages, one which should honour these great and long-forgotten masters of a lost art.
I now present to you: World Ass Jark Meat
Here is the patch, and here is the IPS patcher. Find yourself a Stadium Events ROM on the internet and use the IPS patcher to apply the patch to the ROM. REMEMBER IF YOU DON'T OWN THE GAME YOU CAN ONLY USE IT FOR 24 HOURS AND ALSO FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY!! Phew, now that our legally watertight defense is in place, here's the plan:
One of our assuredly wealthy fans purchases themselves a copy of Stadium Events. Then, utilizing the cart as a donor, we find someone with an EEPROM burner and transplant the WORLD ASS JARK MEAT ROM onto the Stadium Events ROM. Then you put our new, greatly improved Stadium Events cartridge back on Ebay, sell it for the BIG BUX to the next unhappy sod leading a meaningless existence hunting for this simulacrum of joy that can only be achieved by having all the NES games regardless of quality or worth to the human condition. Upon learning that his prize has been defiled, he may feel sadness, or rage. Or perhaps a smile will creep across his face as he sees the joyously bouncing butts and sophomoric word replacement, and he will realize that what he has been doing is folly, that there is happiness and beauty and goodness in the world beyond stacking gray plastic bricks full of miserable Acclaim games. In any case, what we will have achieved is the awakening of a pitiable soul; even if by anger and sadness we will have given him a glimpse of true emotion, and set him on a path to be free of his chains forged of gold-painted Zelda carts. Through that alone, our enterprise will have created more joy in the world than Stadium Events has ever done.
Nothing can go wrong! Well, except the whole “being fraud” thing. Oh and the fact that he'll probably never put the game into an NES and use it as it was intended, instead leaving it on a shelf and only taking it down to prove to those on the Digitalpress or Nintendoage forums that he has the biggest Nintendong of them all. Maybe all of these extant copies of Stadium Events have already been converted to far superior crude, childish ROMhacks and no one has realized it yet...
...In that case, maybe scribble some dicks on the box, and maybe a word balloon off the character on the cover stating "I SUCK DICK".
We cannot do this without you. With your help, we will turn this travesty into a RADvesty! Horseshit into HURRAYshit! Outrage into outYAY! Look into your heart... And help make this noble dream a beautiful reality... Someday.