The Origins of Andore Jr.
Wed, 12/31/2008 — Rev. Ragu
~Gather 'round people, let me tell you a story
About a web site that was known as Andor..y~
Once upon a time in the dark and savage past, Sak and I wrote our in-jokes and adolescent meanderings on other websites, websites which were not this one! The rest of the Andore Seven did not exist at this point, for they emerged fully-formed from the skull of Cronos in the Aeon of Legends (got his nick because he was a really big fan of Chrono Trigger). But anyway, in these most ancient times, there was a site called MP3.com, where terrible teenage garage bands and guys with a pirated copy of Fruityloops could post their music for the entire world to hear, the world subsequently deleting said music with extreme prejudice because it showed up as a strategically mislabeled Nine Inch Nails song on Napster. Yet there were some diamonds in the rough - often more like kernels in the shit - but search long and hard enough and you could find a glimmering of genius, barely catching the corner of your eye like so many Power Tabs. It was here in which we found our inspiration.
Mike Hanley's Final Fight III.
No one knows where this should-be Bob Dylan came from or where he went. All we are left with is this one shining MP3. And our memories. No one can take those from us.
For your perusal, here is a transcription of the lyrics:
Some guys are kicking some ass
Extra joy can hurt you bad
You've got to learn your super
Haggar's shoulder's bigger than his head
One of them is a lady
Don't let her fool ya
She still got power
Haggar says "boo-yah"
When he jumps
And what about the skunks?
They're not in this game
I love Andore Jr.
When I beat him up he realizes
that I am just being his friend by teaching him a lesson in life
Sometimes bosses are hidden
I don't always encounter Wong, for instance
There's a sea captain that has ass attack
The car man will be crawling on your back
When the red Guy gets the nunchucks
I think that's when you gotta look out
'Cause he can really bring it home
Who wants an electric punch?
Please gather around Dean
As he does his extra joy
Extra joy [repeat]
Final Fight Three~
As you can see we were just that close to naming our site "Haggarsshoulderisbiggerthanhishead", but we were affected by the stanza about a certain gigantism-affected wrestler turned street punk. As much as the shocking brutality of Final Fight Three - known in Japan, quite appropriately, as Final Fight TOUGH - shoots white-hot adrenaline through our limbic systems and envelops us in a furious haze of bloodlust, we have to keep in mind that we have no real quarrel with the rank-and-file street trash we are beating to within an inch of their lives. Is it not the Christian thing to do to forgive these poor souls their trespasses? They have merely made poor choices in their lives. The violence we inflict on them is not given in anger, or spite, or vengeance, but out of love, to show them first hand the consequences of their lifestyle.
No, our quarrel is with the leaders, the Belgers, the Retus, the Blacks of the world; those who have become so corrupted by their ill-led lives that they entangle innocents like Bred, Two P., and Andore Jr. in their sick games. Plus it's also an election year for Haggar and after that whole thing where he was recorded talking into a mic he thought was turned off, calling opposition Alexander Papadopoulos (formerly "The Grater") a "Souvlaki suckin' liberal faggot", he needs to shift the narrative in his campaign from "corrupt, steroid addled homophobe in the pocket of Big Protein Shake" to "heroic mayor who literally beats the shit out of crime".
So that's where we come from. We chose the name Andore Jr. for this site because that's what we're all about: Love, Justice, and the American Way. There is nothing that better exemplifies that than Final Fight.
UPDATE: It turns out that Mike Hanley has an album featuring his magnum opus for sale right here! For ninety-nine cents (or two dollars for the entire album if you aren't a complete chintz), you can demonstrate the incalculable amount of joy and inspiration this song has brought you and yours.