20TH ANNUAL BOKOSUKA WARS AWARENESS MONTH BEGINS
Wed, 11/30/2005 — Rev. Ragu
It's been a long time since we rapped at you kids, I know. Andore Jr. isn't always on the forefront of the Andore Seven's thoughts, sad to say; we're usually out PARTYING and GETTING LAID and such, being the virile, sexually desirable studs we are. Still, there's something that will pull us back every single time, something that is too important to disregard, something that brings us all together in the face of such terrible turmoil in the world. It's December, so you should know what I'm talkin' about here, folks.
Like another lesser holiday this month it seems that, as the years go by, people forget the meaning of Bokosuka Wars Awareness Month. With the discovery a few years ago that it wasn't the worst game ever made but merely awkward, antiquated, a little ahead of its time, but still not very fun, Bokosuka Wars has been forgotten by all but the most faithful. No more sarcastic reviews, no more novelty ROM downloads, even WOW! YOU LOSE has assumed its place, along with "YOU! INVADERS! GET YOU THE HOT BULLETS OF SHOTGUN TO DIE!", as a minor footnote of the video game engrish craze that followed All Your Base. Here at Andore Jr., though, Bokosuka Wars refuses to be forgotten. It's K. Sumii's vision that connects the Andore Seven, brings us together to occasionally write something vaguely humourous about video games, and grants us the power to change into our final, combined form, the SHIN GOD INAZUMA ANDOREROBO and defend the galaxy against the advancing Invinco hordes.
Bokosuka Wars Awareness month is a month when all of you can do the same. No matter what race, nationality, social status, sexual orientation, religion, political stripe, preference in sports teams, ability to remember love, opinion on whether Hideaki Anno was just fucking with the viewers, or feelings on whether Ronnie James Dio's iconic album "Holy Diver" is totally fucking balls-out or merely fist-pumping, we can all agree on this one thing: Bokosuka Wars isn't fun. At all. You can walk for meter after meter, running into vague approximations of demons and monsters, turning trees into knights and peasants, powering them up to be slightly less prone to dying, and beating the evil king time after time after time, and whether "BRAVO! YOU WIN!" or "WOW! YOU LOSE!", it just doesn't get any more fun. K. Sumii, visionary that he is, his creation enduring twenty years after the all-week Pixy Stix and methamphetamine bender that resulted in its creation, has to have known that his game was terrible. Whether his motive was just to get paid, whether it was as or slightly less bad than the other barely-playable computer games at the time, or whether he really understood that this kinda-playable-but-why program he had finished would be picked up by snarky North American kids, downloading hundreds of thousands of man-hours of game design, graphic art, musical composition, and computer programming in a single shot to be played for free on a ridiculously overpowered system, and then summarily mocked and discarded, Bokosuka Wars' badness unites us.
So come join us for Bokosuka Wars Awareness Month. Spread the word. Let K. Sumii's greatness live on forever. And remember...
IT'S NOT THE WORST GAME EVER MADE...
BUT IT'S STILL PRETTY SHITTY