Duke Nukem Forever Is A Terrible Game

Sun, 06/12/2011 — Rev. Ragu

I suppose Duke Nukem Forever is finally being released, or has been released; due to Gearbox's bizarre staggered release date, I have absolutely no idea. When you read this, if you read it, which considering the amount Andore Jr. has been updated over the past two years, PROBABLY NOT, it should be out. As a writer for Andore Jr, Ecchi Attack!, and also an idiot, I can sympathize with the fourteen year development cycle - considering my history at prompt delivery of content. Sometimes banging your head against the wall is much more fulfilling and interesting than producing timely video game funnies; sometimes jerking off to Dead or Alive 2 on the Dreamcast in spectator mode is much more fulfilling and interesting than delivering a much-hyped video game on its twenty-seventh deadline extension. However, a lot of things change in fourteen years, the inexorable march of time spares nothing, not even a teenage boy's sex-deprived misogyny and underdeveloped sense of the transgressive. As such, Duke Nukem Forever has long since become more enjoyable as a punchline than it is anticipated by persons like myself, and I personally have no real need to play it.

There is better objectification of women than Duke Nukem out there; better mindless, bloodthirsty action; better toilet humour and sexism presented without a hint of irony. None of us are twelve years old anymore. None of us, because the human race spontaneously became sterile in 1990 and all you goddamn kids pretending to be a decade and a half younger than me are full of shit. Most of us have touched the genitals of another human being with the intention of giving pleasure. Come the hell on. We're too old for this shit. Women are human beings and not blowjob machines for our adolescent power fantasy avatar, we shouldn't still be excited by illicit thrills that we hope our parents don't catch us in the midst of when we walk into an adult movie theatre, and poop... Is still funny, I'll give it that. Duke Nukem should, by all rights, be completely obsolete.

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