Dulce Et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori

Thu, 01/28/2010 — Rev. Ragu

My Darling Henrietta,

How I miss you, my sweet; your hazel eyes, the feel of your lips as we kiss, the warmth of your stomach as we lay together, all the love we made on bright and moonlit nights. It is, quite simply, hell to be here, so far away from you. We've been camped out in this city for a week now, this unnamed city in the border regions of Blue Moon, painting buildings red, red, the colour of my allegiance, the colour of my blood. My dearest Henrietta, I remember your tear-streaked face as you held yourself to my chest, begging me to reconsider my decision to enlist, and I now wonder if you might have been right. I joined this fight thinking myself to be doing the right thing, for love of country and love of you, and how I would give anything to protect both you and it. Ah, but I was so young then; perhaps my patriotism was only the young man's need for adventure, excitement, for glory and honour and all that nonsense. Here I am now, my uniform stained with mud and blood; both my own and of others, my face drawn, my body in perpetual readiness despite the sheer exhaustion from the sleep I could not get even if I was allowed. We hear the rumbling of tanks, the exploding of shells, and with each great roar of battle an inevitably agonizing silence follows. In the suffocating stillness our minds fill in the blanks, of all the dead men, the injured writhing in agony, machines lying smouldering and their occupants rent to dust. Maybe we'll be next.

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WIZROBE: The Story Behind The Album Part 1

Wed, 12/02/2009 — Rev. Ragu

In 1989, Wizrobe released their most popular album to date, "Pussy Liquors & Fine Spirits." The album, widely known as a drastic departure from their EPIC FANTASY METAL roots, sent Wizrobe hurtling into the mainstream, the album eventually going triple platinum. Rather than the triumphal lyrics praising the deeds of the folkloric heroes of old and spinning fearful tales of the beasts that lurk on the edge of humanity's collective imagination, Wizrobe's new style was of the much more mainstream SEXY REACTION METAL (also must be capitalized). With the raunchy licks and erotically charged lyrics, Wizrobe found much wider appeal than merely blaring from parents' basements during all-night Dungeons & Dragons marathons.

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Where Have All the Chocobo Farmers Gone?: An Andore Jr. Special

Tue, 07/14/2009 — Sak

The year was 1994. Al-Gaddafi withdrew Libyan troops from Chad. Yaki Kadafi finds al-Gadaffi's name fucking hilarious, and adopts a parody of it as his own. Technotronic releases the Billboard flop, "Move It To the Rhythm" (a spiritual successor to "Move This"). Square releases Final Fantasy VI to an American audience with baited breath under the nom de plume of Final Fantasy III. The effects were both immediate and long lasting. Boys destined for greatness in academia, business, entertainment, and the arts, were diverted to an equally successful life of long-standing virginity, poverty, fan fictionery, and Final Fantasy III. However, not everything was perfect in the world of Final Fantasy fandom.

Factions amongst fans quickly broke out; Scottish Enlightenment Lockeans were quick to condemn the Christian Cyanists, while the flamboyant Figaros criticized the ever-reserved Gaus for their lack of political commitment. For a year, the world, already embroiled in the arduous process of healing poor international relations was subject to the rocky in-fighting of Final Fantasy III fans.

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KONAMILAND WARS OF '89

Wed, 01/07/2009 — Sak

Gentlemen, welcome to war. Don't tell me that you've been in the shit unless you were in the Great Konamiland Wars of 1989. Belmonts and Mad Dogs, Scorpions and Big Bosses alike all lost a little somethin' over there. Overseas, they don't give a shit if you have a 2P back home, or about the city bombers that you left behind, and they sure as fried double dribbl'd shit don't care about your Bro. Wesson and Bro. Smith.

I can still smell the shit on my boots and the hairspray in the air, man. Trudgin' knee deep in that fuckin' loam, man. And for what? For what? So those fuckers back home won't even release Break Shot? Do you know what it's like to watch an anthropomorphic penguin die in your arms? Not a pleasant experience, let me tell you. Do you know what it was like to tell Hanako that she wouldn't be able to grow old (up to about 24 years) with her husband? Ain't too fuckin' pretty.

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Final Lolita 1917-2009

Sun, 01/04/2009 — Rev. Ragu


Ethel Lolita
3/10/1917 - 1/4/2009

Ethel Lolita, final surviving member of the Lolita Quintuplets, has passed away quietly in her sleep. She was 91.

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Where is the NHK TV Camera? Hello Andore Jr.!

Wed, 12/31/2008 — Rev. Ragu

It's been a while, friends. When we last left Andore Jr. before we got cancelled due to middling ratings in the 3:30 AM timeslot adjacent to reruns of "Wings", we were engaged in a harrowing struggle with DEATH-LOAD DALK KRAIZER. Bloodied and beaten, with Nice Pete already having made the ultimate sacrifice to fend off DALK KRAIZER'S right hand man BALZACK, Fasteriskhead summoned the last of his strength and raised the magical sword GESCHLECHTBUMSER against the demon lord. Lunging forth and with a tremendous scream, everything froze and transitioned into a sketch, and the credits rolled to the tune of the hit song "Mug Smashers ~a true lonely to the heart~" by Japanese Rock Supergroup POWER'S COCK. For years, there was neither hide nor hair to be found of the once-great Andore Seven, and fans cried out for Andore Jr. to continue, to give them some sense of closure.

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ENTER WIZROBE

Sun, 10/08/2006 — Sak

In August of 1987, one of metal's most influential bands -- yet also one of the most obscure -- disbanded not with a bang, but with a whimper. Wizrobe, cited by the likes of Ronnie James Dio, Tony Iommi, and that one dude from Helloween who sort of harasses a dwarf in the "Hall of the Mountain King" video, to be the best metal band to emerge from the then-nascent "EPIC FANTASY METAL" genre (purists insists on capitalizing the genre name).

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GREAT POT SMOKING MOMENTS IN GAMING HISTORY #1

Mon, 10/02/2006 — Sak

On December 13th, 1998, Vernon Bathers, of Kingdom City, Missouri, had a vision. A vision that was primarily induced by the consumption of twenty USD worth of psylocybin and the inhalation of just under one ounce of marijuana.

"I was, uh -- man. Ha. Y'know, just sort of -- like, I'm not advocating this shit, man. You do what you gotta do, right? I'm just saying, 'Who are you to judge me?'"

On that cold December night, Bathers (profession: "Professional bachelor, man. Professional bachelor.") sketched out the preliminary designs (to notebook paper, with a graphing pencil) to what would go on to become, in modified form, a videogame smash success eight years later. The game that Bathers poured his heart and soul into for aproximately fourteen minutes? Sitar Hero.

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